I just want to take a moment and tell you I haven't fallen off of the face of the earth... Although maybe I should have.
2013 has been the worst year of my life. Quite literally.
I've been in Nursing school for over a year now... I've had awful patients, good ones, and then my favorites who have passed on... I've had fantastic days, and then days where I was terrified I'd be thrown out... Days where I was convinced my path was the right one, and days where I had no idea if there wasn't gratification to be had.
I found out just how little
I meant to the love of my life... I wasn't enough. I've never been enough it seems... I waited, like an idiot mind you, while he was off joining the navy, and apparently someone new replaced me, and I didn't know until after
he proposed to me.
It's sad but I feel like I've lost all of the little trust I still had- for anyone.
Worst of all, I had the greatest misfortune of losing the best little dog- sister
- I was ever going to have... To something so stupid as cancer caused by crummy genetics, because one heartless bitch
didn't care to breed good dogs: good genetically anyways.
I once wrote a long narrative about my Mickey... Now, I'd like to tell you about Sissi...
She was brave. She was afraid. She was bold. She was meek. She was strong. She was frail. She was mighty. She was tiny. She was fierce... She needed protecting... My dog was a paradigm, in the best sense of the word. A joy... Utter heartbreak... So complex, and yet so very simple. Endearing.
She was 10- an old lady, and yet, a baby. My dog, my sister, my friend... My everything
. I have never felt so completely... empty.
She was born in Georgia, on February 11, 2003 and until the day she died, she was a proper lady- a proper southern Belle. Sissi was utterly enchanted by anyone she met, and anyone who had the pleasure of knowing her, was enchanted by her. I don't think it's possible for an animal to be sweeter... Not a mean bone in her body. She was a Belle, a princess, and just the best (at least I think so).
When I was 10, and very, very lonely, my mom and dad bought me a puppy for my birthday. "Oh, a dog", I thought... "it's been a few years since I'd had a dog".
A dog. How utterly wrong. She was so, so
much more than that. It was a time in my life when I was utterly alone, and I was given the very best friend I have ever had, and probably will ever have. I was given the missing piece to my heart. I've never had siblings, and I've never kept friends for very long- it goes with the territory of moving so often. I remember picking her up that day, all the other dogs didn't want anything to do with me, and here was this little white and brown, tiny,
ball of fur sitting in the corner, staring at me- and I just knew. They say she was old enough to go- 8 weeks. I don't believe that. I never have. But maybe she was, and she was just small. It could very well have bin. She was my family, and I had her from the time she left her mom, until she closed her eyes for the last time.
I remember bringing her to the beach, and how much fun she had in the ocean, and her watching to make sure I was close. I remember road tripping with her every summer, and her being such a good companion, occasionally barking at a rabbit, but never causing an issue. I remember moving to Colorado, and the first time she saw snow, and how it terrified and excited her all at the same time. She was 4. I remember her playing in the snow, but then whining because she was cold, and her running around in one of her many sweaters. I remember her doing things only on her terms: wanting to be in your presence, but god forbid you close a door. You could never keep her in one place if she didn't want to stay. I remember when she first got sick; it started as really vague things, skin issues mostly. I remember her meeting Mickey for the very time, and how he let the bird dog know how not to mess with birds. I remember Mickey passing, and Sissi not having any clue why the noisy thing was now gone. I remember her falling once, and tearing the ligaments in her knee, and all the wonderful vets that helped with her surgery, and her long recovery, and that everything was okay again. For a while. I remember her being apprehensive the day we brought Ecco home, and being very cautious. I remember her and Ecco becoming great friends, if animals can have friends. I remember her getting sick again, and me worrying she was going to pass... She was 8. She began to have tremors and constantly throwing up, and the doctors determined she was just silly and jealous about the bird. More medications. It was okay for a while. After a while, she became sick again, and nothing worked anymore... And I remember watching it all slide downhill, and despite having some good days, it just not looking well anymore. And I remember September 18th, when she was was so feverish, and wouldn't come to me anymore. Sissi was the queen of beggars, and would always
come for food- and she didn't anymore. I remember going to the veterinarian's office with her in my arms... And coming home alone.
I want you to know that I held her when she died- as her heart stopped beating, and her pain finally went away. I want you to know that to her last breath, she was my brave girl, and let me know she'd be okay, with a little puppy kiss. I miss puppy kisses... I want you to know that all her life, she'd been a sissy when it came to shots and medicine, and in her last moments, she wasn't afraid. I want you to know that she is home again, in a beautiful urn, but that it still feels like I abandoned her somehow... I want you to know it will never
be the same again, for as long as I live.
In times when I'm left with my thoughts, I feel like they were the shortest 10 years of my life- of our
life. But I think back on all the wonderful memories, like her first experiences, Christmases, her birthdays, my birthdays, and I remember her quirks, such as acting like a total princess (appropriate- I named her after one), acting like such a baby when she was afraid or hurting, her thinking she was so much bigger and thinking she could take on the world, how utterly upset and afraid she'd be without her family, how silly she could act, even getting on in years, her love of clothes, and squeaky toys, and a homemade blanket I made for her... I think of floppy ears, droopy eyes, and the most endearing wiggly butt and stumpy tail, and her permanent smile I think she had, and I think that maybe my life has been so very rich and full, and then I feel guilty for feeling cheated. If anyone was cheated, it was her- Sissi was a Cocker spaniel, and 10 is not
old for them at all. My grandmother's Cocker spaniel that I'd grown up with lived to be 17. Though her life was short, it was a rich one, full of happiness, and most importantly, love.
I don't want you to think I'm begging for pity- that's not who I am. I don't want
pity. I want to share memories, and maybe have you share yours with me. Whoever you happen to be, I want you to know that no matter how much life sucks, and quite honestly, mine really has lately, that there is love and hope in strange places... Mine was a little dog who wasn't very smart, but who happened to be the most brilliant of all (at least I think so). She opened doors for me to meet great people, to see new things, and when I had a particularly shitty day, she'd be there to crawl into bed with me and lick my face to try to make me stop crying... A lot like I'm crying as I write this.
I am of the opinion that people are inherently cruel- especially after being told by the one that I'd waited for that I wasn't enough, after being left behind by everyone I thought was there for me... I hope one day that'll change, but for now, I only wish I had my silly little dog. She's been gone for almost six months now... Well, her body has been gone, but I take some solace in knowing she's never gone, because that would mean losing memories, and I would never dishonor her by forgetting the best years of my life with my one constant companion- my soul dog if you will.
If you are hurting, I want you to know that I care. I may never know your name, or your story: that's okay. I want you to know that you can find love in the most ordinary places. If you have a dog that means the world to you, please, I beg
you- tell them you love them, and given them a hug, for me? It seems silly, but talk to them, and make it your life's goal to include them in everything you can.
I sit here and wonder if I could have included her in my life more, and I think I will always sit there and wonder "what if?"... But I don't know if that does me any good. Please don't ever let it get to the point you will wonder too.
Most of all, I want you to know that for such a little dog, she had the biggest spirit, and I want to share that with you- share her
2013 was the epitome of the bad years. We have all lost so much... Loves, dear friends, family, hopes, dreams... A lot. Please help me make 2014 a better one... We all deserve it, so very, very much.
Most of all, I want to let anyone who cares know that I'm still here, still hanging on, because one day, maybe I'll get to go somewhere better after a fulfilling life and be with all my pets again.
I hate most people. I just want my unconditional love from my nonjudgmental animals... My Rottweiler Bo, from Mickey, from Sissi, from Buffy and Max, Sammy, all of them...
I miss them all.
For those who are different from those who have perpetuated my pessimistic opinion (and I know who you are, even if you don't), I just want to say thank you.